This section dives into different areas of allyship for the LGBTQ community. Sections cover being an ally, stages of an ally, what do when someone comes out to you as LGBTQ, and inclusion do and don’t tips. Adapted from Antigonish Women’s Resource Center and the StFX Office of Human Rights & Equity’s “Positive Space Training Manual.”
BEING AN ALLY
WHAT IS AN ALLY?
An ally is an individual who works to end oppression within their personal and professional life. An ally works to end any form of oppression from which they receive privilege. For example, an ally could be a white person who works to end racism, a lesbian woman who actively works to end discrimination against transgender individuals or a straight man who combats homophobia.
WHY BE AN ALLY?
These are just a few of the reasons why one might become an ally:
• By embracing difference in others, one embraces it within oneself. We can all become more comfortable expressing our own uniqueness.
• It gives an opportunity to interact with and learn from a population that we may not be a member of.
• If a person has friends or family members who are LGBTQ identified, this will offer an opportunity to actively support them.
• Make a difference in the community environment and in the lives of LGBTQ community members.
• Make the community a better place. Oppression is a negative force that impacts everyone.
WHAT DOES AN ALLY DO?
An ally can contribute to LGBTQ inclusion and awareness by:
• Working towards developing a greater understanding of oppression, privilege and the needs of the LGBTQ Communities
• Promoting a community that appreciates, embraces and celebrates difference.
• Challenging anti-LGBTQ comments, statements or jokes.
• Interacting respectfully and maintaining the confidentiality of others.
• Committing to making positive changes.
WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE AN ALLY?
Characteristics and qualities of an ally:
• Empathetic
• Committed to social justice
• Open-minded
• Respectful
• Risk taker
• Committed to personal growth and willing to examine how privilege operates within their own life
• Willing to challenge themselves and others
• Recognizes that heterosexism, transphobia and homophobia are continuing issues
• Recognizes that oppression hurts ALL people
• Good active listener
• Willing to learn
STAGES OF AN ALLY
Our society is heterosexist and transphobic and many people grow up with unexamined assumptions and attitudes. It takes time to overcome those assumptions, attitudes and the behaviours that result from them. The movement from heterosexist behaviour and transphobic attitudes to alliance is described in stages below.
Stage 1: Adversary
| Attitudes | Behaviours |
|---|---|
| Repulsion: • Seeing transgenderism and homosexuality as a “crime against nature.” | Active Oppression: • Laugh at or tell anti-LGBTQ jokes • Make fun of people who don’t fit traditional gender roles • Verbal or physical harassment of people perceived as LGBTQ Community Safety Initiative • Support anti-LGBTQ laws, policies and legislation |
| Pity: • Any possibility of being straight or “normally” gendered should be encouraged as it is superior. | Indifference: • Passively accept acts by others that demean LGBTQ people • Ignore LGBTQ topics (in preparing programs, discussions, etc) |
| Tolerance: • Allowing diversity, but not accepting, embracing or supporting it. | Oppression Through Lack of Action: • Recognize the heterosexism, transphobia or homophobia in others’ speech and acts uncomfortable, but refuses to say or do anything about it • Avoid participating in activities or programs because people might think you are gay or lesbian |
Stage 2: Ally
| ATTITUDES | BEHAVIOURS |
|---|---|
| Acceptance: • This still implies that there is something to accept, but is a positive state. | Confronting Oppression: • Politely confront anti-LGBTQ joke-tellers, but not pushing it • Decide to participate in activities regardless of what others will think • Mediate between people with differing opinions |
| Appreciation: • Support, admire and nurture LGBTQ individuals in our society as an indispensable asset. | Growing as an Ally: • Read books about LGBTQ issues • Be aware of and sensitive to the issues that minorities face • Attend LGBTQ cultural events • Talk to others about issues facing LGBTQ people • Educate yourself rather than waiting for LGBTQ people to teach you |
WHEN SOMEONE COMES OUT TO YOU AS LGBTQ
THANK THE PERSON FOR HAVING THE COURAGE TO TELL YOU.
Keep in mind that an LGBTQ person cannot accurately predict your reaction to their coming out. We live in a society that often teaches intolerance of LGBTQ people. Therefore, by coming out to you, this person is putting a large amount of trust in just a few words. They may have already anticipated the possibility of losing you as a friend or family member due to coming out as LGBTQ, so often times the decision to first share that piece of their life is not one taken lightly. Do not judge the person and if you have strong negative beliefs about LGBTQ identities, keep them to yourself. Ensure that you respect this person’s confidentiality and tell them that you still care about them, no matter what.
UNDERSTAND THAT THE PERSON HAS NOT CHANGED.
They are still the same person they have always been. You might be uncomfortable or surprised by the news at first, but make an effort to understand why you are surprised or uncomfortable. Also, this person may share things with you related to this part of their life. Do not assume this person is coming on to you or finds you attractive.
ASK QUESTIONS.
You can ask questions, but understand that they might not have all of the answers. If you want to learn more, then say so. It helps to admit to yourself out loud that you are not an authority on the subject. Also, understand that it is not this person’s job as an LGBTQ person to educate you; be prepared to do your own research. You may want to keep the conversations going and provide a way to contact the person in the future. This interaction lets the person answer your questions at a pace that is their own.
HELPFUL RESPONSES:
• It’s okay if you are LGBTQ identified.
• What are the kinds of things are worrying you the most?
• What kind of support do you think you need from me?
• I may not have all the information, but I can find more for you.
• This does not change anything about who you are or what you mean to me.
POTENTIALLY DAMAGING RESPONSES:
• How do you know? Are you sure?
• You’re too young to make a decision like that.
• How can you know if you’ve never had sex with someone of the opposite sex?
• It’s just a phase you’re going through.
• A lot of people experiment or fantasize; it doesn’t mean you’re LGBTQ.
• It’s fine that you told me, but you shouldn’t tell ___________.
• Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet.
INCLUSIVITY TIPS
An inclusive space strives to represent a diversity of individuals and lifestyles through images, staffing, programming, policy and accessibility. Inclusive language and assumptions ensure that everyone feels welcome and included. LGBTQ communities often find that they are not represented in media, in culture or in societal structures and norms. These omissions indicate the attitude towards this community and an invisibility of LGBTQ lives.
Here are some Do’s and Don’ts when interacting with people whose identity is unknown to you:
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Don’t: Assume all mothers/fathers are heterosexual.
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Do: Assume that a parent might be LGBTQ identified.”
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Don’t: Assume that anyone whose sex does not match their prescribed gender presentation is homosexual.
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Do: Realize that gender identity and sexual orientation are two distinct realities.
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Don’t: Assume that cross-dressing is a phase that all people should outgrow eventually.
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Do: Assume that cross-dressing, like other transgender identities is an integral part of a person’s identity and not a passing phase.
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Don’t: Assume that all sexually active women use birth control.
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Do: Assume that a sexually active woman might have either a male or female sexual partner; with a male partner, she may need birth control.
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Don’t: Assume when interacting with an unmarried adult, that the person’s only “family members” are parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.
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Do: Assume that any unmarried person might be involved in a life-long committed relationship with a same-sex partner who is a “family member.”
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Don’t: Assume that all children live in families consisting of the child and a male-female couple or the child and a single parent.
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Do: Assume any child might live in a family consisting of the child and a single parent, the child and an opposite-sex couple, or the child and a same-sex couple.
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Don’t: Assume everyone will find male-female sexually suggestive imagery erotic, or that everyone will find banter about male-female sexual intrigue funny or playful.
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Do: Assume that in any group of people, it is highly likely that there is at least one person who is much more interested in same-sex imagery and intrigue.
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Don’t: Assume that the term “woman” refers only to heterosexual women, and that the term “men” refers only to heterosexual men.
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Do: Include lesbians in your use of the generic “women” and gay men in your use of the generic “men”. For example, in a discussion of women’s sexuality include relating with same-sex and opposite-sex partners, or in a list of organizations for fathers include groups for gay fathers.